Missing the connection

She seems to think that I have a “month­ly cycle”. I’m inclined to agree with her since my issues with con­fi­dence in my work and excite­ment and enthu­si­asm wane at least once a month usu­al­ly with a peri­od of big down­ness. There has to be a con­nec­tion to some­thing that is caus­ing it and I think I’m just miss­ing that con­nec­tion and thus can’t fix it.

I do know one thing. Deal­ing with mon­ey prob­lems will kill inspi­ra­tion. Of course hav­ing a day job that is absolute­ly suck­ing the life out of every fiber of my being real­ly doesn’t help. I’ve con­sid­ered the fact that my day job is what is killing me but with­out it I would be even more of a bas­ket case. Since I wouldn’t have the steady stream of income with which I can pay off enor­mous debts. That would stress me out even more. On the oth­er hand being able to focus on my craft 100% of the time may result in even more income with which I can elim­i­nate those debts. The prob­lem with that is that I’m not con­fi­dent enough in my work at the moment to be able to make it my num­ber one, or for that mat­ter num­ber only source of income.

Oh how the lot­tery would fix things.

But then I have a bet­ter chance of get­ting struck by light­ning.

I’m torn. I strug­gle con­stant­ly with cre­ativ­i­ty. Not only in my pho­tog­ra­phy but with my writ­ing and just cre­ativ­i­ty over­all. It affects me deeply in the sense that I put so much ener­gy into over­com­ing the suck that when I actu­al­ly get past the suck I don’t have any ener­gy left to cre­ate. The ADD doesn’t help either. I can’t stay focused on any one thing long enough to actu­al­ly get rolling in a par­tic­u­lar direc­tion, let alone fin­ish some­thing.

Com­bine all of that with the fact that I’m con­flict­ed and torn over my equip­ment choic­es. I’m not hap­py with my kit because I know that there is some­thing out there that does it bet­ter. I’m usu­al­ly like this with gear any­way but with the cost of invest­ment of pho­tog­ra­phy equip­ment it is even more dif­fi­cult than usu­al. The prob­lem here is that I believe  the oth­er gear will fix spe­cif­ic issues I strug­gle with con­stant­ly. How­ev­er the oth­er gear would require me to com­plete­ly re-tool my kit. Some­thing Michelle doesn’t want me to do and some­thing I real­ly don’t have the cap­i­tal for. There again, a mon­ey issue. More impor­tant­ly than just a mon­ey issue is the fact that I knew ini­tial­ly this oth­er gear would fix these prob­lems, but not yet expe­ri­enc­ing these issues yet at the time I thought I went with the best choice. Now, I did make a very informed deci­sion and did go with a very good choice at th time. But it has been the lack of cap­i­tal that has pre­vent­ed me from stay­ing on the cut­ting edge like I would like to. Again, my cur­rent gear isn’t bad and I’m def­i­nite­ly not using it as an excuse for my inabil­i­ty to pro­duce stel­lar results (that’s just incom­pe­tence and lack of patience).

Speak­ing of lack of patience. That’s anoth­er strug­gle I have. I can’t wait on any­thing. I am not a patient per­son and I love imme­di­ate sat­is­fac­tion. Often with less that desir­able results after­wards. But, it’s that feel­ing of sat­is­fac­tion in the moment that fuels me. Maybe I need to focus that ener­gy in more cre­ative man­ner. I have become more patient with my pur­chas­es as well as much more crit­i­cal of what I but. I research a lot more and I have all but elim­i­nat­ed the lit­tle nick­el and dime pur­chas­es that used to plague me. Now I can’t buy any­thing of any val­ue with­out research­ing and com­par­ing sim­i­lar prod­ucts first.

Wow, this post ran all over. But the under­ly­ing issue is still there. Some­thing is wrong, some­thing has to change and I don’t have the time or the mon­ey or the patience to fix any of it. So what now?