Missing the connection

She seems to think that I have a “monthly cycle”. I’m inclined to agree with her since my issues with confidence in my work and excitement and enthusiasm wane at least once a month usually with a period of big downness. There has to be a connection to something that is causing it and I think I’m just missing that connection and thus can’t fix it.

I do know one thing. Dealing with money problems will kill inspiration. Of course having a day job that is absolutely sucking the life out of every fiber of my being really doesn’t help. I’ve considered the fact that my day job is what is killing me but without it I would be even more of a basket case. Since I wouldn’t have the steady stream of income with which I can pay off enormous debts. That would stress me out even more. On the other hand being able to focus on my craft 100% of the time may result in even more income with which I can eliminate those debts. The problem with that is that I’m not confident enough in my work at the moment to be able to make it my number one, or for that matter number only source of income.

Oh how the lottery would fix things.

But then I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning.

I’m torn. I struggle constantly with creativity. Not only in my photography but with my writing and just creativity overall. It affects me deeply in the sense that I put so much energy into overcoming the suck that when I actually get past the suck I don’t have any energy left to create. The ADD doesn’t help either. I can’t stay focused on any one thing long enough to actually get rolling in a particular direction, let alone finish something.

Combine all of that with the fact that I’m conflicted and torn over my equipment choices. I’m not happy with my kit because I know that there is something out there that does it better. I’m usually like this with gear anyway but with the cost of investment of photography equipment it is even more difficult than usual. The problem here is that I believe  the other gear will fix specific issues I struggle with constantly. However the other gear would require me to completely re-tool my kit. Something Michelle doesn’t want me to do and something I really don’t have the capital for. There again, a money issue. More importantly than just a money issue is the fact that I knew initially this other gear would fix these problems, but not yet experiencing these issues yet at the time I thought I went with the best choice. Now, I did make a very informed decision and did go with a very good choice at th time. But it has been the lack of capital that has prevented me from staying on the cutting edge like I would like to. Again, my current gear isn’t bad and I’m definitely not using it as an excuse for my inability to produce stellar results (that’s just incompetence and lack of patience).

Speaking of lack of patience. That’s another struggle I have. I can’t wait on anything. I am not a patient person and I love immediate satisfaction. Often with less that desirable results afterwards. But, it’s that feeling of satisfaction in the moment that fuels me. Maybe I need to focus that energy in more creative manner. I have become more patient with my purchases as well as much more critical of what I but. I research a lot more and I have all but eliminated the little nickel and dime purchases that used to plague me. Now I can’t buy anything of any value without researching and comparing similar products first.

Wow, this post ran all over. But the underlying issue is still there. Something is wrong, something has to change and I don’t have the time or the money or the patience to fix any of it. So what now?